How to Practice Sexual Fitness Everyday for Women Using Mind and Body

Like men, sexual health is an important aspect of your life. Although you may not think about sex or connect sexuality to your ego as men do, it remains a very important facet to quality of life. As a consultant to a dietary supplement company writing educational articles and practicing many years as a clinical psychologist, I have personally counseled and advised women on their sexual issues and endeavors for optimal sexual health. After years of experience in the field of psychology, I have come up with some practical recommendations for you to practice in order to optimize your sexual potential. Although written for a woman, men should read this article and support their female partner at all costs. Like many healthcare professionals, I believe in taking a holistic approach to sexual health and fitness.

The first step is to make your sexual fitness a daily goal. Just as frequent exercise is necessary for physical health, regular exercise and attention paid to your sexual being is vital. This is not to say you need to fixate on your sexual health and welfare as men do, but knowing yourself, your partner, and psychological well-being directly links to optimal sexual health. Just as you have a physical fitness regimen, so too should you devise a sexual fitness regimen. I do not mean you need to think and engage in sex as frequently as you exercise, but thinking daily about sexuality is not only healthy, I highly recommend it.

Physical well-being is paramount to your sexual health. This is why it is important to have an excellent open relationship with your doctor and/or gynecologist. There are many medical conditions that can impact a woman’s sexual well-being only she and her doctor can explore. From painful intercourse to a lack of sexual appetite, these problems can sometimes be rooted in a medical cause that can be treated with medication or doctor recommended steps. The key is feeling comfortable to discussing sexual issues with your doctor. There are millions of women who suffer from hormonal and medically based conditions. These same conditions though can be treated and sometimes cured with the help of a doctor.

Psychological well-being is crucial to your sexual health. Stress, anxiety, depression, and past traumatic experiences can all negatively influence sexual functioning. Just as a woman seeks medical advice from her doctor, a visit to a psychologist specializing in women’s issues may also be necessary to reduce mental health issues and past traumatic experiences from being problematic. A psychologist is a doctoral level clinician who is trained to diagnose and treat psychological issues which may impact a woman’s capacity to engage in sex in a comfortable manner. Although psychological conditions exist and require counsel, many women have emotional issues that can be addressed on their own or with a loved ones help. Unlike men, women seem impacted more by their environment than does their male counterparts. This is not to suggest men insulate themselves from their life stressors, but women tend to internalize these stressors more often and allow these life stressors to detract from their want, need, and desire for sexual engagement. Learning what life stressors are impeding their ability to practice regular sexual fitness can alleviate some of the obstacles causing sexual appetite and desire issues

As mentioned above, your sexual well-being is connected to the way you feel about yourself and the environment. Women are born, bred, and socialized to fixate on the way they appear to others. If you have a poor self-image or low self-esteem, it is almost impossible to engage in a healthy sexual lifestyle. It is truly unfortunate our society still places massive pressure on women to be thin, svelte, and seductive in appearance. Because of these societal expectations, women become far too involved in perceiving and feeling “less than” or unattractive to others. This is not to say you should not exercise or practice self-image improvement, but the negative self-image a woman often feels when she’s not to the level she thinks she should be will always directly impact her ability to feel sensual, sexual, and provocative.

Whereas men tend to fixate on their sexual prowess, women seem to fixate on their image as it appears to the outside world. The goal is to reduce this fixation of being your most attractive at all times and then working towards self- acceptance. When you feel reasonably secure about your image, you become vastly more comfortable feeling as a sexual creature that not only deserves attention, but also expects sensual interactions. Speaking to a psychologist, friend, or loved one can help you meet the goal of a healthy self-image.

Women are socialized to be incredible communicators and adept at expressing their feelings. You learn early in development the benefits of discussing your concerns to others as being both healthy and necessary to optimal psychological well-being. Unfortunately, men are not socialized this way and tend to lack the confidence or motivation to communicate to their loved ones about their sexuality. Although men suffer this proverbial disability to discuss their sexual issues to others, women can also be hesitant to discuss sexual matters with others. The key for you is to feel comfortable expressing your sexual thoughts and concerns with the ones you are engaging in sexual practices with. Your male counterpart may not appear to be listening or concerned with your sexual needs. The secret reality is your male counterpart will usually welcome whatever advice you give him since his ego is connected to your sexual perception of him. There are men who truly are clueless about women’s needs and expectations, but if you believe in practicing sexual fitness, you will quickly educate him.

Self-awareness is essentially, “Know Thy Self”. Despite religious and societal interpretations of masturbation and self-stimulation, it is highly recommended for you to know what arouses you sexually and helps puts you in a sensual mood. Self stimulation and masturbation is like exercise for the sexual senses. The more you know what arouses you, the better you will be at communicating to others what heightens your sexual prowess. The only way to communicate what your sexual trigger points are is to know what places on your body arouses you. Men have communicated to me in counseling on numerous times confusion about the female anatomy. They also confess they do not know how to touch and talk to their partner hoping to heighten her arousal. Women too often do not recognize what their sexual triggers are. Self-stimulation and masturbation helps you to recognize what arouses you and teaches how to identify the areas of your body that are sensitive to sensual touch. Masturbation not only educates a woman, but also has suggested in clinical studies to be a healthy behavior contributing to an increased sense of physical well-being. The more a woman is educated about her anatomy, and areas of sexual sensitivity can only positively contribute to her sexual life. The key is regularly practice self-stimulation as often as possible in order to achieve sexual fitness.

There are women who do not practice self stimulation or masturbation due to religious, philosophical, or for moral reasons. There are also women who do not practice masturbation because they simply don’t have the time due to work, children, or household responsibilities. When these reasons for not taking the time to practice self stimulation are apparent, then the next best thing is practicing sexual fantasy. There have been studies that have suggested men think about sex from every 10-15 seconds to every several minutes. There are no known studies that I have come across that have determined how often women think about sex. Although there may be these studies, I have not had the opportunity to review them. If there are such studies, I can almost guarantee women’s frequency of sexual thoughts are not nearly as frequent as men. Not to say that you should fantasize about sex as often as men, but I do recommend spending a little time each day engaged in sexual fantasy. To fantasize about sex is not only healthy for the mind and body, but it is great for stress management as well. Sexual thoughts and periods of sexual fantasy can also help you better understand your own thoughts and needs and teach you to be comfortable with sexuality in general. Fantasy is fantasy. There are no boundaries when it comes to an arousing sexual fantasy. The act of thinking about sex contributes to your positive feelings of well-being and potential increased urges of sexual desire.

In conclusion, volumes of books and videos have been produced to assist women in increasing their sexual prowess and appetite. I alone could spend hours writing about what I’ve heard from women seeking healthy sexual functioning. The goal for you is to understand how important it is to spend time thinking about your sexual self and how much better life becomes when you regularly engage in sexual exploration. A woman, like a man, is a sexual creature. The key for you is to endeavor upon using a holistic approach to obtain your optimal sexual functioning. The mind, body, and spirit all work synergistically to help you feel as a sexual creature with urges and needs. Sexuality may be a taboo subject for some, but it is clearly a mandatory part of our species survival. In its finite form, sexuality and the goal of sex is for the purpose of procreation. All animals procreate for survival of their species. Although procreation is the evolutionary goal of sex, that does not mean you have to relinquish your right to healthy sexual functioning and enjoyment. Men need to emphasize less the importance of sex, and women need to emphasize more their capacity for sexual enjoyment and deep yearning for sensual intimacy. Sexual fitness is an activity that requires you to think about and practice each day.

Dr. Michael Nuccitelli is a New York State licensed psychologist and a clinical and educational consultant for Herberex Inc. and Goliath Labs Inc. Dr. Nuccitelli areas of expertise include dietary supplement compliance guidelines, sports nutrition, human sexuality, forensic psychology, health/fitness, and psychiatric/psychological issues.

The Sexual Maximum You (Liberating Your True Passion So Your Sex Life is Totally Fulfilling!)

Elena worked out at Gold’s Gym, the serious bodybuilder’s gym in Venice, California. I’d see her there almost every day as I trained my pro-athlete clients in mind/body techniques for peak performance. She was strong, and extremely spirited. She tackled the weights aggressively, and her form as she trained showed that she’d achieved a mastery over her body that the other women apparently all envied.

One day she pulled me aside and asked if she could pay a visit to my office. At our appointment a few days later, she sat across from me, an attractive, strong, vibrant woman, and explained that she wanted my help in resolving a problem in her marriage. She and Jeff had just celebrated their first anniversary. In all respects, it had been a loving, rewarding time, except one.

“From the very beginning, Jeff has been the sexually aggressive partner, he initiates everything,” she said, to my surprise. “I do love that quality in him, but it also intimidates me. I’d like to do some of the seducing in our sex life, but I just can’t find the courage to act out my desires. I’m afraid he’ll resent me for it. I’m also afraid that if I stay inhibited about this, the relationship is going to suffer.”

As a hypnotherapist, I frequently work with people who feel trapped by limitations. Clients seek me out because they feel there’s something holding them back from achieving what they believe they can. Elena had broken lots of barriers in her life-she was a tiger on the job and in the gym, with big payoffs in terms of lifestyle and body image. But in the privacy of her own bedroom, her sexuality was held prisoner by something she couldn’t understand–something she felt she couldn’t overcome.

Like Elena, Marti was a strong, resourceful, vital woman. When she came to me, she was full of enthusiasm about her life; her job as an advertising coordinator was exciting, she took night classes to learn advanced graphic design, and she was very much in love with her live-in partner, Stephen.

But her life required a tremendous amount of effort as she juggled work, school, housework and Stephen. “Inevitably,” she said, “Stephen wants to make love (he’s a very motivated sex partner) after I’ve already put in a 16-hour day. I’m bone-tired, but how do I tell him that? I don’t want to disappoint him, so I give in and end up just going through the motions, not really enjoying it. How can I put a stop to this so I can be honest about my feelings without hurting him?”

Both Elena and Marti were denying themselves the potential for radiant, joyful sex, and loving, honest relationships by allowing negative subconscious programming to dictate their sexual self-image and subsequent actions. That inner mental programming, which, for the most part, originates during childhood years, has a broad influence on responses to sexual situations, and invariably sabotages even the most valiant efforts to change.

These are not deep-seated psychological problems. Literally, they’re not “problems” at all, merely conditions which are an extension of negative self-communication, having its roots in inhibition and fear based reasoning. When we feel like we can’t express our powerful sexual drive in a way that’s natural for us, we start to build, then hide behind walls of quiet frustration. The resulting resentment and sense of failure can literally destroy self-esteem-and otherwise loving, nurturing relationships.

The exciting premise of hypnotherapy and NLP is that we can retrain our minds, uprooting negative, restrictive ideas and beliefs, and liberate our strong, spontaneous and naturally expressive selves. Both Elena and Marti, and many other clients, have been able to rapidly make that transition by using a creative mental training technique I teach clients called “Sexual Self-Image Programming,” or SSIP. In my clinical experiences, SSIP has proved itself an effective and practical way for you to reprogram old, frustrating sexual habits with new responses that unleash your natural sensuality–in a thrilling and wonderfully healthy way.

THE FIRST “WRITING” ON OUR CLEAN SLATES

As children, we all received messages from our parents and other authority figures that, in many ways, made us look at sex and our sexuality suspiciously. The rules were handed down to protect us from others and deter us from early experimentation. But the long-term impact is that a lot of us suffer from inner conflicts in adulthood; we deny ourselves the right to pleasure and the full expression of who we are. Even though our reasoning mind tells us that our sexuality is healthy and natural, our subconscious mind projects feelings of guilt and negative consequence when we attempt to be truly intimate with our lovers. And the frustration can be merciless.

If you find yourself in a situation similar to Elena’s and Marti’s, the simple fact is that your potential for complete sexual happiness is being sabotaged by your past conditioning. “Good girls don’t flaunt their sexuality; good wives don’t reject their husbands’ advances.” From the depths of your subconscious, such directives still whisper at you.

YOU’RE NOT HOPELESSLY TRAPPED

Your conscious, rational mind has been telling you the truth all along. And it’s in your best interest to both accept and respect your own feelings with the same interest as you do the expectations of others. The SSIP technique enables you to assert your right to express your sexuality in a way that’s satisfying and fulfilling for you; you can transform those old habits and suppressed feelings into open, honest, sensual expressiveness!

What’s been learned can be “unlearned,” and replaced with new, enriching ways of thinking and acting. The time you’ve wasted in frustration and anger at yourself and your partner can be better spent discovering the erotically rich and sexually alive woman within you. The Sexual Self-Image Programming technique enables you to decondition the inhibited sex related behavior of your past and develop the free flowing assertive nature leading to enriched intimacy in all aspects of your relationship.

SEXUAL SELF-IMAGE PROGRAMMING: THE FIRST STEP

First, set aside some quiet time to take stock of your current sexual behavior and make a note of the traits that dissatisfy you. Make a list if you need to. When you’ve isolated these, choose the one area you want to work on first. For example, maybe you’ll concentrate on asking your partner to touch you in a certain way, or mustering the courage to directly show him how. Maybe you’ll focus on telling him you’d like a rain check when you aren’t up to an erotic interlude, or maybe you’ll pay attention to learning how you can play the aggressive seducer.

One important note: work on one issue at a time. If a couple of qualities in your sex life trouble you, don’t tackle them all simultaneously. The SSIP technique works best when you concentrate on just one concern at a time.

For example, Susan came to me with two unfulfilling situations on her mind: Like Marti, she felt obligated to unconditionally meet her partner’s expectations no matter what she wanted. But because of her suppressed desires and “giving” nature, she also was often unable to have an orgasm even when excited during lovemaking. She so wanted to tell her boy friend that a new position she perceived as exciting and increased oral stimulation would solve her problem, but she was afraid that Tom’s pride and ego would be hurt. After some discussion, she realized she had a right to explore and fully enjoy the realm of her sexual nature, and decided she wanted the ability to tell Tom exactly what she wanted, exactly the way she wanted it.

Focus exclusively on one aspect at a time until you see, and enjoy, improvement. Then move on to the next.

THE SSIP TECHNIQUE
(Please read the entire technique through first before you begin to perform it.)

When you’re deeply relaxed, you can bypass the critical, rational, conscious portion of your mind and gain direct access to your subconscious (inner mind). As the tension flows out of muscles and nerves, your conscious processing slows down, and your subconscious mind – with its life-enriching capacity – can then be influenced. And when directed toward your outcome, this subconscious power naturally converts into feelings and behaviors generated toward achieving (and richly enjoying) your desire.

RELAXING DEEPLY TO GAIN SUBCONSCIOUS ACCESS

Take your phone off the hook and seclude yourself in a quiet, darkened room where you won’t be disturbed. Remove your shoes and loosen any clothing that’s binding. Lie comfortably on your back, either on the floor, your bed, or in a relaxing E-Z chair. Separate your legs so no part of the thighs or calves are touching, and extend your arms slightly outward from your body, palms down, fingers loosely apart.

Remaining as still as possible, fix your eyes on a spot on the ceiling above, and take three l-o-n-g d-e-e-p breaths, inhaling through your nostrils, exhaling slowly each time through your mouth.

As you exhale the third breath, gently let your eyelids close. And for the next few breaths, mentally repeat the word c-a-l-m with each exhalation, allowing yourself to easily let loose with each easy breath. If any unrelated thoughts intrude or your mind drifts, just gently bring your attention back to repeating the word c-a-l-m as you exhale.

Then, begin to focus on relaxing the muscles of each part of your body: start with your toes, move up through your legs, abdomen, chest, back, arms, the back of your neck, up over your head and down into your facial muscles. Just clearly focus on each part of your body, and easily visualize the muscles slackening like loose rubber bands.

Don’t force it or “try” to make it happen; just allow it to happen by envisioning and feeling each body part you focus on turning loose, and let yourself go totally limp and relaxed. When you feel the onset of deep, soothing inner comfort, you’re ready to perform the SSIP technique.

RELEASING THE NEGATIVES – UNCHAIN YOUR SEXUAL POWER

Next, clearly imagine yourself sitting comfortably in a plush, thickly cushioned chair. In front of you is a glistening, wooden console, and on top of it sits a large video screen. Directly in front of you on the console is a control panel to operate the screen.

On the left side of the panel is an On-Off toggle switch. Next to it are three round, silver command buttons. The first button is stamped “Old”; the second button “Clear”; and the third “New.” Take a moment to clearly visualize the console, screen and control panel.

Next, flip the switch to “On” and watch the screen light up. Now sit back in your chair for a moment and think about the trait you’ve decided to work on. Think about the present effect it has on how you feel about yourself, the way you relate to your lover, and the quality of your overall sexuality. Call to mind a recent memory when this situation came up.

When the memory is clear in your mind, lean forward and press the console button marked “Old.” Then watch the situation replay itself on the video screen, exactly as it happened. Vividly experience the entire scenario, noticing words and feelings expressed, gestures made, thoughts entertained, and degree of passion (or lack thereof) generated.

Next focus on exactly how you felt after this episode. Re-live the feelings of possible emptiness, anxiety, incompleteness, frustration or anger. And as you’re experiencing a connection with the specific unresourceful emotion characterizing this encounter, press the “Clear” button, and watch the picture fade, then disappear completely from the screen.

Now, let your attention focus on your breathing, and with each breath, mentally repeat the word r-e-l-e-a-s-e. Imagine that each time you breathe out, you’re exhaling a dense white mist that dispels all the negative feelings, pictures and sensations associated with that situation. With each breath, f-e-e-l the negativity flow right out through you, and focus upon (and wholly sense) a cleansed, refreshed inner disposition steadily developing.

SHAPING AND STRENGTHENING THE SEXUALLY VIBRANT YOU

Directly, after four release breaths as outlined above, press the button marked “New,” and again watch the same scene appear on the screen. This time, however, see yourself expressing and generating thoughts, feelings and actions exactly the way you really want to.

For instance, tell your lover, with graphic conviction, you want to experiment with a different position, relating why you absolutely know it will magnify pleasure for both of you. Or, explain that you’re too bushed to make love the way you’d really like to, and relate a course of action which is either an alternative or representation of your feelings and your desires at that time. Or, seduce him as you’d like to in your wildest dreams; let your “sexual animal” ravage him with unabashed, and intensely unbridled passion.

While you experience this new realm of responsiveness, be sure you DO NOT hold anything or any part of yourself back! Graphically envision yourself generating the full sexual magnitude of who you really want to be, doing what you really want to do. And revel in all the accompanying physical, mental and emotional sensations you experience.

Recognize and fully accept that this is the real you, that what you see, feel and are here represents the awaiting to be claimed and activated capacity of your real sexual power! And continue to experience yourself acting out your real sexual power to the extent which reflects the full expression of your desire, the very essence of your need, and the full realization of your pleasure!

Deeply savor the feelings of physical satisfaction, self-respect and self-esteem which flow from being a communicative initiator — from being the full, free, representation of sexually expressive power. And when your scenario is finished, then, still savoring the richness of feeling, immediately move to the next phase.

FULLY ASSOCIATING WITH YOUR “SEXUAL ANIMAL”

Now, instead of just watching this picture of you acting out your desires, press the “New” button, activating the original scenario, step into the picture, and be this spontaneous, straightforward sexual power. See exactly what you would see, feel exactly what you would feel, do exactly what you want to — and would do as you act out, and act upon, your sex desires and inclinations!

Feel your partner’s touch upon you in response to your requests and suggestions. And feel yours upon him. Graphically, vividly act out the full extent of your needs, wants and desires, however intense, fiery and lustful they may be.

Take charge, speak up, take the initiative, make the move, make it happen, keep it going, making sure it works wonderfully for you! Wholly be this force of directness and sexual power expressing all of the delicious sensory outpouring connected within the full context of your sexual purpose!

This is the self-image, sexual identity restructuring phase. What you’re literally doing is programming new attitudes, actions and outcome responsiveness through channeling different sensory information alignments to encode new neural pathways in your brain. In explicit detail, you’re subconsciously establishing, and impressing new behaviors and responses characterizing a new, free flowing, spontaneous liberation of your true sexuality.

Understand that this straightforward, initiating personality is already part of your potential for self-expression. Unfortunately, many women I consult choose not to acknowledge this fact, and allow an otherwise enriching sexual nature to lay dormant throughout their lives. But, by focusing upon connecting with, energizing, and activating this nature within you (as outlined), you’ll stimulate this full quality to emerge and enliven the entire spectrum of your sexual expression!

FUTURE ACTIONS OF SPONTANEOUS, UNBRIDLED PASSION

After the first reprogramming cycle (experiencing and discharging the negatives, watching the new sexual you, being the new sexual you) has been completed, take a long, deep breath. And as you then exhale slowly, reach forward, press the “Clear” button, and see the screen fade and go blank. Next, press the “New” button again, and see the screen light up with a future possible sexual experience where you might find yourself prone to act and respond with your “old,” limited, restrictive tendencies.

Now, instead of allowing it to play out as a representation of how you “normally” would have interacted and responded, vividly experience yourself speaking, acting, performing and emoting exactly the way you – the embodiment of vibrant, unleashed sexual power – would! Imaginatively step into the picture and into her body. And, looking through her eyes, feeling what she feels, be this passionate power acting out the full extent of your wants, your desires, and your needs! This is your opportunity to practice being the bold, sexually powerful you in a manner enabling you to both subconsciously create, and program future desired actions and responses.

As you experience yourself interacting with and responding to this encounter, acknowledge that your sexual desires are valid, important and totally appropriate; that you have the right to determine when, where and how you’ll derive, and enjoy, the full pleasure of exotic intimacy.

Let it be okay not to feel obligated to satisfy the desires of others before you satisfy your own. And make your feelings heard and GO FOR IT with all the lusty sensual passion you can generate!

Because you feel unhampered and justified, possessing natural radiant sexual vitality, expect to, and act in the manner which ensures you receive as much satisfaction from sex as you give. Fully experience yourself as this take charge, open, self-directed sexual prowess, as if it were the only way you knew how to be, and was an already accomplished fact in your life!

Really f-e-e-l your personal power and sensuality pulsing and surging through you, and savor your ability to directly communicate (and act upon) your true sexual needs, wants and desires!

After you’ve fully sensory acted out this take charge sexual intensity within this future situation, press the “Clear” button to gradually fade the picture from the screen. Then, still bathing in the confident aliveness of the new expressive you, flip the toggle switch to “Off.”

RETURNING BACK TO YOUR FULL AWARENESS

Next, to return back to your full awareness once again, imagine yourself slowly climbing a flight of five steps, and suggest to yourself that at the top step you’ll feel refreshed and completely rejuvenated. When you reach the fifth step, let your eyelids open, inhale deeply, and stretch.

The entire SSIP process should take about 12-15 minutes.

REGULARLY ENJOYING THE NEW, VITAL, SEXUALLY EXPRESSIVE YOU

To establish new, spontaneous sexual behaviors – thinking, feeling and acting differently (in line with your desires) – you need to consistently reinforce emotionalized goal programming into your subconscious mind. With regular practice and desire for change, your SSIP visualizations steadily convert from possible fantasy quality, to become identified with and totally lifelike; you’ll find yourself naturally responding as if you’ve always been this communicative, free, open, sexually assertive personality!

I recommend that you perform the SSIP exercise in the evening, at a time when there will be no disruptions. It’s best to have a specific time each day to practice liberating and enjoying this new sexual you.

Be forewarned: During the early stages, you might run up against your own mental resistance to change. Many clients often experience fear of the unknown, a fear of failure, a fear of being criticized by their partner for exhibiting this new vital expressiveness, brimming with sexual power. It’s just your past negative conditioning, up to its old sabotage attempts — don’t let yourself surrender to its ploys. Persist with the SSIP technique, and in a short time, you’ll find the mental resistance giving way to a newfound energy – and singular passion – for change.

The SSIP Trance/Formation Sequence

It’s important that you perform the whole process exactly as outlined. So, to recap the components and sequence of the procedure:

” First, induce deep relaxation with the body release technique outlined above.

” Next, envision you’re seated in a plush, comfortable chair, and in front of you is a console panel and video monitor.

” Next, flip the console switch to “On.”

” Next, upon the screen see the aspect of your sexual expression you’ve decided to work on, playing out as it presently is. Associate with all the negative, uncomfortable sensations accompanying this picture.

” Next, discharge and cleanse the unresourceful feelings (as outlined within the process).

” Next, press the “New” button and see yourself acting within this sexual situation as you’d really WANT to. Play this picture out to your full satisfaction and pleasure.

” Next, clear this picture.

” Next, press the “New” button again to activate the picture, and step into it and be the sexually powerful you acting out your desires to your full satisfaction and pleasure.

” Next, clear screen.

” Next, press “New” button and see upon the screen, a scenario depicting a future possible sexual situation where you might be prone to succumb to old restrictive tendencies. But now, step into the picture, and wholly experience the new, sexually vibrant you interact and express herself exactly as she wants to, to her full satisfaction and pleasure.

” Next, clear this picture

” To finish, return to your full awareness (as outlined within the process).

THE REAL YOU IS COMPLETELY WORTH IT

When you release your sublimated passion and power, you’ll begin to feel even more attractive and appealing. And these feelings will readily stimulate greater responsiveness in your lover.

And as you begin to assert your true feelings and act out the extent of your desires, your openness and honestly inevitably generates a comparable openness in your partner.

The more comfortable and spontaneous you become with the spectrum of your sexual feelings, the greater the intimacy you’ll find in your relationship. And as you begin enjoying a fuller share of your sexual potential through creating a sexual self-image of power, you’ll find that the new, straightforward, expressive you has been well worth the effort.

You must take the initiative and assert your right to pleasure. After all, if you don’t take matters into your own hands, how will it ever happen for you?

Now, you know how to!

Powerhouse self-help author, life transformation specialist, private clinician, and national TV therapist, Peter C. Siegel, R.H. is the country’s foremost peak performance hypnotherapist, and #1 personal best coach.

Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders

Gender identity disorder is generally called transexuallism. Transvestism refers to the practice of obtaining sexual pleasure by dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex. Today the term cross-dressing is more commonly used because it does not allow for a mistake of transsexualism, which is a complete gender change from the original sex. Transvestism is a paraphilia for which the essential feature is intense sexual urges and sexually arousing fantasies involving dressing in clothing of those of the opposite sex. It is extremely important to note that just because an individual is classified as a transvestite does not mean that they are necessarily homosexual. Extensive studies have been conducted to show that transvestites are not homosexual in many documented cases. Many psychiatric concepts have been used to try and explain why transvestism is prominent in certain individuals, such as the constitutional predisposition of unknown origin known as degeneration. Degeneration referred to an innate neurologic weakness that is transmitted with increased severity to future generations and produced deviations from the norm. Despite there being many theories on transvestism, there are no commonly accepted ideas because human sexual disorders can be extremely difficult to understand. In some cases, transvestism can become so prominent in an individual that they become transsexual. An individual who is transsexual usually begins with taking hormone injections and undergoes plastic surgeries in order to change their sex organs to the opposite sex. While transvestism is not widely accepted as a norm today, society has generally learned to accept the idea that some individuals are born with this sexual disorder.

Sexual sadism could as well be identified as paraphilia. Someone who delivers sexual sadism is called a sadist. The administered humiliation, pain and suffering could either be psychological or physical. The pain, humiliation and suffering may also cause injuries or death to the person receiving them. During a sadistic behavior, the person who is receiving the pain or humiliation may not be a willing partner. Though, sadists usually live their daily lives in agony and impairment because of the aggressive behaviors or cruel fantasies.

There are many assumptions to the cause of sexual sadism; some are branching from the psychoanalytic group. For example, the psychoanalysis method implied that childhood trauma such as sexual abuse or major childhood incidents can reveal itself in nonsensical behavior. Because of the test results finding by neuropsychological and neurological from sex offenders, some psychologists tend to believe that sexual sadism might be genetic or due to biological factors. Even though the desire for sexual sadism could begin during one’s infancy, the commencement of active sexual sadism normally take place throughout early adulthood. However, the real cause of sexual sadism is still unknown. Also, sadists are not easily diagnosed. Some are forced by family members, friends or court order to seek therapy, which often helps with the treatment of sexual sadism.

In addition, sexual masochism is the opposite of sexual sadism. The masochist feels excited when receiving humiliation, pain and suffering. The physical actions of a masochistic could involve several different activities such as: cutting, piercing, beating, blindfolding, electrical shock, being urinated or defecated on, forced to bark, verbally abused, and forced to cross-dress. One could be identified as a masochist after receiving these symptoms for at least six months; however, it is known that men are found to be more sexual masochists than women. The cause for sexual masochism is also unknown. Based on learning theory, sexual masochists were initiated because of suppression from unsuitable sexual fantasies. In today’s society, most of the sexual fantasies are derived from the conscious and unconscious state of mind. Some psychologists believe that masochists enjoy receiving the pain and humiliation in order to feel empowered.

Very few sadomasochism search for help with a therapist or a social worker. Sadomasochism that tends not to seek help often gets into trouble due to sexual variations. The level of tensions by society increases toward people with bizarre sexual preferences. Although, the cause of sadomasochism is unknown, the disorder can be treated. Similar to other types of paraphilia, treatment is mainly dependent on the person’s desire and willingness to change. Numerous forms of therapy such as: psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, aversion and positive behavioral therapy approaches, reality therapy, medications, hormonal treatment, reconditioning and restructuring techniques have been found effective in treating sadomasochism. An additional method that can be used to treat sadomasochism is social skills training. Social skills training is one of a kind that needs to develop within healthy family relations; however, it could be that some people who developed sadistic and masochistic behavior may perhaps in part, because they do not know how to form healthy relationships, whether sexual or nonsexual, with other people. Even though, social skill training is not a substitute for medications or psychotherapy for sadistic and masochistic, but it sure can be useful as an adjunctive treatment.

In comparison, a sadist is one who enjoys giving pain during sexual intercourse while a masochist enjoys receiving the pain giving by the sadist also known as sadomasochism. According to several psychologists, including Sigmund Freud, most sadomasochism is upper or middle class men and women who are highly educated and hold professional jobs. The necessary element is not the pain or repression itself, instead it is the facts that the sadist most of the time has more power or controlled over the masochist.

Another known sexual disorder is forced sexual behavior, which is generally broken down into three different areas: rape, sexual abuse of children, and sexual harassment. Rape is generally defined as the act of forcing sexual activity on an unwilling person. Over the past few decades rape has become increasingly prominent in the United States, so much so that a reported one in six women have been raped. Rapists generally do not have a distinct profile, but several theories exist as to some of the reasons why men choose to rape women. Others believe in a cycle of abuse in which men that were abused as children are more likely to engage in acts of sexual misconduct such as rape. This theory is especially prevalent when talking about the sexual abuse of children, which includes incest, child molestation, and pedophilia. Incest refers to sexual relations between relatives. Incest is prevalent in many cases where there has been a cycle of abuse and a parent sexually abuses their own child. Child molestation refers to the sexual behavior with a child without force or direct threat of force. This form of forced sexual behavior is still considered forced because a child can’t legally consent to the act. This form of forced sexual behavior can be equally as damaging to a child simply from the mental distress it puts the child through. Pedophilia refers to the persistent sexual interest in children who have not reached puberty. Most pedophiles are men while the victims are young females, but there are still plenty of reported cases where the victim is a male and the pedophile is a female. Many pedophiles also commit the other acts of forced sexual abuse and continue the acts throughout their lifetime. Sexual harassment is the final act of forced sexual behavior that is included in this discussion. Sexual harassment refers to the unwanted sexual advances, comments, or any other form of coercive sexual behavior by others. Sexual harassment is so prevalent in the United States today, especially in the workplace, that most jobs promote sexual harassment awareness within the first week of being hired. Just because an individual has not committed the actual act of touching another person does not mean that it can’t be equally as damaging.

In today’s lifecycle, people have different ways of expressing their desires as a voyeur or exhibitionist. In most cases, they are harmless. Voyeurism and exhibitionism are two sexual activities, but the two are both engaged with different meanings. Both voyeurism and exhibitionism are considered paraphilia. Voyeurism is when one individual watches the other individual undress his or her clothes during a sexual activity, such as taking a shower or getting undressed for bed. The term voyeur comes from the French, and means “one who looks”. Men are the main the suspects to be called a voyeur. A person is considered a voyeur when he or she is caught sneaking to watch a person undress, and he or she gets aroused by watching the person take his or her clothes off. Most victims are complete strangers to the voyeur. When a person is listening to a sexual conversation over the telephone, he or she is performing a type of voyeurism also. A stranger may never know that he or she is being watched by a voyeur. Women can be caught being a voyeur throughout life too. Voyeurs are in the dark people. They rather stay hidden, and never be seen because of the embarrassment, but they love to watch a stranger take off his or her clothes. Most men who struggle to fulfill their own sex life, are the main ones diagnosed as a voyeur. A voyeur must want to better his or her behavior in order to let go of the bad habit.

A person could have multiple types of fetishism going in his or her life. Amputee, breast, sexual, foot, etc. are all different types of fetishism. When a person has a sexual fetishism, this act can be very dangerous and scary to the innocent bystander. Fetishism is a disorder that is characterized when there is a pathological assignment of sexual fixation. Fetishism can be looked at as harassment by many different people. Harassments can happen at any time, place and by any person. Fetishism is found primarily in heterosexual men. The male gender outnumbers the female gender when it comes to voyeurism, exhibitionism, and fetishism. The male gender is always trying to find a quick way to get aroused. Anyone can be a victim when it comes to voyeurism and exhibitionism. People still do not understand the actions of either behavior. Although voyeurs and exhibitionist know that they are risking their life with their actions; however, they still feel like they cannot control their behavior. They rather get in trouble for their actions, rather than seek help.

In almost every sexual and gender identity disorder case, the exact causes of these disorders are not entirely known. Some researchers believe it is biological and genetic causes, while other researchers believe people start developing sexual and gender identity disorders throughout their adulthood. While people would like to believe that these disorders are made up in a person’s unconscious mind, it is truly hard to believe; especially when people go to extremes of having sex changes or setting up dungeon rooms to play out their fantasies. Most societies are not accepting of people who prefer abnormal sexual practices, but hopefully researchers will have a breakthrough to help determine the causes of these disorders and help people better understand the abnormal.

Interiew with Aline Zoldbrod, Author of “Sex Smart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life”

We are pleased to have Aline with us today as she gives as insight on how non-sexual family of origin issues form a persons sexuality.

Irene: Aline, your book “Sex Smart” is a book like none other. Please tell our audience what your book is about.

Aline: “SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About It” explodes the myth that sexual development is simple and Straight forward. SexSmart’s central message is that healthy sexual development actually is quite varied and complicated. We each come to our adult sexuality having walked down our own special path. And many families in which there was no specific, sexual abuse actually do cause profound damage to childrens’ developing sexuality.

SexSmart explains how the way you were raised in your family– whether you were touched nicely or cruelly or not at all, whether you could depend on your parents to take care of you, whether you got empathy, whether you trusted your parents and your siblings, what the power relationships were, and even whether you were encouraged to have friends–all deeply affect whether you will be able to enjoy sexual pleasure, and also whether you will feel safe being sexual with someone to whom you are emotionally attached. In SexSmart I describe fourteen “Milestones of Sexual Development.”

Irene: How does whether or not you got empathy from your parents have any bearing on sexuality?

Aline: Good parents are empathetic. They let themselves feel what their child is feeling, and then they respond to what the child needs. The more that the child sees that parents will respond to her needs, the more the child trusts that the energy expended to communicate is worth the effort. And so trust, and communication skills, build.

People who did not receive empathy from their parents have many problems with sexual(and emotional) relationships as adults. For instance, if you didn’t get empathy, you might be deeply afraid of getting hurt, so you may avoid getting into relationships altogether. You may be lacking in practice in communicating, or believe that it is pointless to talk about what you want (since you believe no one cares about how you feel.) So if you then do get into a sexual relationship, it is difficult for you to talk about your sexual likes and dislikes, or even to talk about it when a particular sexual activity is causing you anxiety, discomfort or pain.

If an unempathic parent was neglectful or abusive, there is a good chance that you will be chronically tense. If you can’t let yourself relax and be soothed, by definition, you will not be able to enjoy sexual pleasure in the context of a tender, steady relationship.
(You may still be able to enjoy the excitement of a new, lust-filled one, though.)

Irene: What inspired you to write this book?

Aline: Being able to have a sexual bond with a beloved partner is one of the great joys of life. It’s a spiritual, deep, health-giving experience. Sex shouldn’t be a source of anxiety, doubt, shame, or pain. It saddens me that so many people haven’t experienced their sexuality as a force for good in their life. I believe that reading and working through SexSmart can be a path to sexual enlightenment and sexual freedom for many people. As a sex therapist, I have met and helped hundreds and hundreds of men and women who are unhappy with their sexual selves. But as an author, I can help people I never even met.

There are so many women and men in America and in the world who do not enjoy being sexual. They don’t enjoy feeling sexual as a solo activity, and they don’t feel safe and comfortable being sexual with a partner. Some of them feel guilty. Some of them experience sex as needing to be a perfect performance each time, which spoils it. Some of them have sexual dysfunctions caused by anxiety and lack of education. And some had childhoods that were flawed in such a way that they literally do not know what it feels like to experience sexual tinglings and urgings in their own body.

You would be surprised to know how many people think that in reality, sexuality isn’t that great, that sexual pleasure is nothing much, and that all the emphasis on sex is a big media hoax! I hope that readers will use SexSmart as a map, guiding them to un-do the damage suffered by growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Irene: Why would some people think that sex is a big media hoax?

Aline: Each of us only knows the experience we have in our own body. People who have never experienced sexual pleasure in their own bodies have no reason to believe other people who insist that sex feels great.

There are large numbers of people who never learned that any kind of touch feels good. Many people grew up in “good” families with parents who were responsible, but unaffectionate. So they don’t unconsciously or consciously link touch and love. Others grew up with parents who were unbelievably anxious, and they absorbed so much anxiety from their parents’ touch that they associate touch with anxiety.

Far too many people grew up in families where they witnessed or experienced violence, which is devastating to sexuality. Witnessing or experiencing violence alters one’s feelings about being safe in one’s own body. I believe it can be as negative an experience, sexually, as some kinds of sexual abuse. Witnessing or being the direct victim of violence in your family teaches you that it’s not safe to love or trust. It teaches you that it’s not a good idea to ever let down your guard emotionally. It literally changes people’s “BodyMaps” so that it becomes impossible to relax, let go of control, and allow another person to pleasure you. The body remembers! If you were slapped in the face, for instance, you might flinch when someone you love tries to caress your face. If you came from a physically violent family, you can learn to experience sexual pleasure. But to do so, you have to process what happened to you, not minimize it.

Think of your associations to touch and trust as the first step in a
cascade of good physical and emotional associations you must feel first in your body before you can feel the building up of sexual arousal:

love=> touch => trust=> love=> safety=> drift=> float

love=> touch => trust=> love=> safety=> drift=> float => AROUSAL

Consistent, good experience with loving touch helps you to make
crucial links which you need. You need to be able to link love with touch, and touch with safety. If you can’t make these associations, you need to re-learn touch. Otherwise, you may never experience sex as pleasurable.

Irene: You claim that “sexual abuse” can happen in families in where there was not, literally, sex abuse. Please explain what that means.

Aline: Most people have an inadequate, shallow sense of what the building blocks of healthy sexuality are. Healthy sexuality is not based just in what you were told about sex, or in your appropriate or inappropriate sexual experiences in your family. It’s about what you witnessed and learned in your family about trust, safety, touch, gender relationships, anxiety, power, self worth, your body, and friendship. One basic motivation to be sexual comes from what you learned about being in relationship to another person. Was it worth getting close to another human being emotionally, let alone sexually?

People completely underestimate the effects of neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or having an alcoholic or drug addicted parent on their sexuality. I have begun to call these other kinds of abuse “non sexual abuse.”

Sexual abuse is a horrible thing. However, I am certain that in terms of numbers of people affected, more people in America have sexual issues caused by growing up in families in which there was NON-SEXUAL abuse–such as lack of loving touch, alcoholism or drug abuse, physical violence, emotional abuse, or neglect–than were hurt by actual sexual abuse.

Irene: What would be some sexual issues that are caused by, what you say, “non-sexual abuse”?

Aline: Well, as an example, let me just pick the Milestone of Touch, and show you two lists from SexSmart. Readers should ask themselves what are their associations to touch.
You can’t enjoy sex if you don’t like touch. I like to say that touch is the “Ground Zero” of sexuality. People who had a good experience with touch have wonderful associations to touch.

Here are some good associations from my patients. Touch equals: pleasure, relaxation, fun, softness, good memories, comfort, normal, help, connection, I’m worth touching, calming, indulgence, massage, deep breathing, good mother, good father, sensuality, a worthwhile activity, good sexual memories.
good sexual memories

Contrast this to the associations to touch that people have when there was lack of affection, neglect, or violence. Touch equals: fear, controlling, out of control, awkward, pain, numb, tense/anxiety, guilt, startle response, bad memories, discomfort, weird, danger, confusion, what does this mean?, jumpy, is this proper? Uptight, holding breath, no mother, bad mother, no father, bad father, boring, a waste of time, no sexual memories.

Irene: Your hope is that people who read “Sex Smart” will see themselves in the book, or that some of the information will speak to them. What particular areas do you feel are the most important for the readers to relate to.

Aline: It’s funny. I have to say that every person reading SexSmart responds to different pieces of it. SexSmart discusses sexual development sequentially, beginning with birth and going through my fourteen Milestones of Sexual Development. (For instance, touch, empathy, trust, body image, gender identity, and so on.) Different readers’ families created problems at each Milestone. Readers absorb the book and highlight the parts that speak to them, personally, along with the workbook questions that challenge them the most.

Irene: In your practice, do you see more of one particular issue, than others? If so, what is it, and please explain why this particular issue is more prevalent?

Aline: Well, Irene, coming from a dysfunctional family can lead to just about every sexual dysfunction in the world, but I’ll comment on a few which I see frequently. The first is probably longstanding low sexual desire. People who grow up in families where there is very little tenderness, touch, caring, empathy, or safety have a hard time trusting in an emotional sense, and they also have an almost impossible time relaxing in their body. So it is common to meet people from difficult families who have never experienced sexual desire in their entire lives, because they have never allowed themselves to relax, breathe deeply, and allow sexual feelings and impulses to emerge and percolate through their bodies. They literally don’t know, can’t identify, and can’t even tolerate sexual feelings. So they don’t believe they can have sexual feelings.

Another typical effect of growing up with “non-sexual sexual abuse” is sexual addiction, especially in men. It is common for boys who grow up in unaffectionate, neglectful, emotionally abusive, or violent homes to discover masturbation as a way to self-soothe. When they were sad or scared, they masturbated. Having an orgasm is like a drug; it changes body chemistry and temporarily dulls painful feelings. It creates a habit of using sex as a crutch, a pattern where men feel that sex is their most important need or that sex is THE cure to unhappy feelings.

Irene: Your book is of importance for parents who want their children to grow up and have positive views of their sexuality. In what ways do you believe parents can affirm to their children that their bodies and their sexuality be accepted in a positive manner?

Aline: I think parents’ biggest obligation to their children is to address their own sexuality. How can you create a child with healthy sexuality if you aren’t comfortable using touch to soothe, or if you don’t feel happy in your own body, or if you think sex is dirty or scary, or if you believe all people of the opposite gender are evil or cruel? If your sexuality was damaged in your own family of origin, fix that first.

Abuse of all kinds goes down the generations. When you take the steps to stop denying what went wrong in your own family, when you have the courage to say “ouch!,” to get into therapy to change things, the buck stops with you. The brave person who goes into therapy and admits the pain he or she suffered can stop the cycle of abuse (of whatever kind) for all the generations which come after him or her.

Irene: I understand you saying that parents need to address their own sexual issues first. However, I would imagine some people don’t feel they have issues because they actually believe their beliefs about sex are correct. Some may even be influenced by religious beliefs. How do you propose to address these parents and have them be aware of the damage they are causing their children?

Aline: I think that most parents want their children to be able to grow up and enjoy being sexual once they are married. Conservative parents do want to make sure that children are celibate BEFORE marriage. I hope that SexSmart can get the word out to all parents about how important affectionate touch, empathy, and trust, and good power relationships are to children. If children are allowed to explore their own bodies, which is important, and if they also have these basic Milestones of Sexual Development, they will grow into sexually healthy adults. If you want to raise your child conservatively, I think you’ll find a lot of useful information about how to insure that your child turns out to be both responsive and responsible sexually as an adult.

Irene: Taking self-responsibility is the most important aspect of creating a healthy view of one’s own sexuality and what one does with it. Why do you believe that others often influence unhealthy views? What are some of the most common unhealthy views that our society has imposed upon us?

Aline: It is normal to be influenced by the people around us. It’s a fact of life. I wish that there were more normal looking people on TV and in the magazines. With all these thin, perfect, surgically enhanced, never-aging bodies around us, it’s hard for many women and men to feel that their own natural looking body is sexy enough. Sadly, a lot of people, women especially, seem to feel that only beautiful, thin women “deserve” to enjoy sex. Actually, as they say, the biggest sex organ is between your ears. How you feel about sexuality and being sexual is the most important determinant of whether you will feel sexual. Normal people have imperfect bodies. And imperfect bodies are perfectly able to feel sexual pleasure!

Irene: Yes, TV and magazines do portray a specific stature that our society seems to think is “normal.” So do books. A lot of the romance novels portray “sexy” women and men and readers escape by becoming the character. Why do you believe that people create their own reality through what they see or read?

Aline: Well, as far as we know, fantasizing seems to be a uniquely human trait. As long as it’s in balance, as long as people aren’t avoiding dealing constructively with issues in their own lives, there is nothing wrong with fantasizing. Sometimes, our fantasies help us see what our goals and dreams for ourselves are, in a way that can be constructive.

Irene: You want to reach specific populations with “Sex Smart.” Who do you think would benefit most by reading this book?

Aline: I would recommend SexSmart to anyone who is baffled about why you are who you are sexually, or for anyone who feels confused, unhappy, or ashamed of your sexuality.

I do think that SexSmart might hold a special key to understanding for certain kinds of readers: First, if you are someone who is terribly frightened of getting both sexually and emotionally close to another person, you can use SexSmart to understand your own fears.

Secondly, I hope to reach people affected by physical violence. SexSmart talks in detail about the changes violence caused in your Body Map, in your sense of trust, in your beliefs about gender relationships, and in creating anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. Family violence may be common, unfortunately, but it is NOT normal, and it shuts down the ability to feel sexual pleasure in close relationships for many people.

Thirdly, if you feel you were destined NOT to have sexual feelings, SexSmart may help you understand why you feel that way. If your sense of being asexual is partly because of your family of origin, SexSmart can help you discover how to become more comfortable with feeling sexual stirrings in your body and toward others.Ironically, on the other hand, many people who have sexual compulsions, who feel insatiable sexual feelings, also find answers in SexSmart. Lastly, I want to reach people who grew up in homes where they suffered emotional abuse or neglect.

Irene: “Sex Smart” is not only a book to read, but also a workbook. Please give us a little insight about the workbook aspect of it.

Aline: As a therapist, I assign homework between sessions. Writing down feelings is an important part of processing them. I find that my patients make more progress in changing when they are active participants. They get more insights, and they move through pain faster. SexSmart is so full of information that unless readers highlight the text and choose and complete some of the exercises which fit them, they won’t get the full benefit. In the homework, I always make the reader write down what the positives are that they need to focus on–what they wished they had said or done, or what they need to do now to fix the problem. The homework can help the reader transform some sad memories and realizations into targeted plans for change.

I plead with you, readers, do the workbook! It’s kind of like when you have a vivid, detailed dream at night, and you want to get up and write it down, but you’re too lazy. And so you rationalize it and tell yourself, “Wow, that dream was so amazing, so unusual, so wild. I’ll be sure to remember it when I am up.’ And then, at 7:00AM, when the alarm goes off, you wake up and say, “Man, that was a wild dream I had last night. Something about a cake. Hmmm. Blue cake?? Hmm.”

And you’ve lost the entire message your unconscious was sending you because you were too lazy to get your rear end up and write it down. Same thing. Use the workbook in SexSmart!!!

What About Your Sexual Intelligence Quotient?

We all know about IQ, emotional intelligence, kinesthetic intelligence, and so forth. But what do we know about sexual intelligence? The term isn’t well-known, nor is it something that has been developed traditionally.

Sexual intelligence can be distinguished by two dimensions:

The first involves sexual energy that brings forth life in all that is alive — animals, human beings, and plants. This intelligence was around long before we became aware of ourselves, long before we knew about E=mc2. It’s a built-in intelligence present in sexual energy, given by nature, God, or the eternal consciousness. Sexual energy is the spark of this divine intelligence that created us.

The second dimension of sexual intelligence involves the human capacity to be self-reflective or aware of one’s own existence, and particularly of one’s life force energy that is sexual in nature. In contrast to animals, which can only follow their procreative wiring when in heat, human beings have the potential to bring awareness and consciousness to their sexual selves — their feelings, thoughts, sensations, and behaviors — which can create the opportunity to be at choice regarding the use of their life force or sexual energy.

Therefore, as reflective humans, we can develop the capacity to bring awareness to the spark of life within us and use this not only in sexual acts, but to create our whole lives. Our inquiry focuses on sexual intelligence that entails the systemic relationship of creativity and pleasure built into life force or sexual energy that can be found everywhere in life. We are particularly interested in bringing light to that systemic relationship inherent in the manifestation of sexual energy for the sake of consciously and joyously creating our lives, relationships, and careers.

Sexual Energy

As we learned in our physics and chemistry classes in school, energy can take many forms:

Electrical energy lights up the sky during thunderstorms and illuminates our homes at night.
Kinetic energy sends a ball flying through the air when we hit it with a bat.
Chemical energy drives our bodies’ systems and keeps us moving physically.
Thermal energy can heat our houses and the food we eat.
However, absent from high school and college curricula is human energy as it manifests in our bodies and consciousness. Human life force energy is sexual in nature (though we are not talking here about traditional sex education) and encompasses a range of states from subtle to intensely aroused. We become aware of this energy when it shows up in procreation, when we are having sex, but it can also be much vaster than and just as potent as what we experience during sex. It can be used to create whatever we want to bring into our lives such as good health, well-being, fulfilling relationships, endeavors, and/or careers.

The sex act is one way of experiencing and using sexual energy, but not the only way; intercourse is one stage on the continuum of experiencing sexual energy. Without sexual energy to spark our desires, none of us would be here. It is fundamental not just to human existence but to all of life as we know it and has been present since the very dawn of creation.

Though we cannot see it, life force or sexual energy is ever-present, both when we are aroused in the bedroom and when we are at rest and sex is the furthest thing from our minds — and during every state in between. It’s there when we’re doing mundane tasks like cooking dinner or getting dressed in the morning.

Sexual energy in its physical manifestation and experience is unique in that it’s creative and pleasurable. This allows for the continuing existence of life, which is part of us by nature. We can learn to draw on this awareness of creativity and pleasure, similar to when we’re in a loving space or viewing a work of art or anything in which we regularly find joy. Our contention is that when life force or sexual energy is unencumbered and free of past personal stories and collective interpretations that no longer serve us, creativity and pleasure are more accessible to us everywhere in life: where we live, in the people we surround ourselves with, in the work we do. When we learn sexual consciousness practices, creativity and pleasure start showing up as a default way of being in the simple process of living.

Becoming the Observer

Sexual intelligence begins when we bring intention and focused attention to our life force or sexual energy. Unlike animals that work simply on biological imperatives to keep their kind from becoming extinct, we have the ability to become the observer of our desires, impulses, wants, fears, and joys. Of course we’re wired in that biological dimension as well; in the big picture we’re animals ourselves, and it’s our inherent mission to continue to thrive generation after generation. In this dimension of sexual energy, we are machines — it doesn’t require consciousness on our part. It’s automatic and just happens whether we’re aware of it or not.

What separates us from the beasts, then, is the second dimension of bringing consciousness to sexual energy — our ability to be self-reflective or aware of our own existence, what we call the observer of the self. This uniquely human capacity allows us to rise above the biological miracle we have been put here to perform and recognize that we are at choice in how we live, feel, and act, including our sexual beingness.

Being at choice means we are able to see what is versus what we think should be. This allows us to become clear about what we truly want and take effective action toward fulfilling it. When we are aware of being at choice regarding our sexual beings we can tap into and use our sexual energy in a multitude of ways depending on what we want to create in our lives and relationships. We can use it in the sex act. We can connect with our sacredness and deepen the intimate connection with our beloved. We can integrate our sexual, emotional, and spiritual being. We can use it to fuel our work creatively or connect consciously with the people around us.

Developing this state of mind is essential to working with sexual energy, to tapping in to it and utilizing it to create fulfilling lives for ourselves. Without the observer mind, we can be doomed to an eternity of automatic and habitual behaviors that often produce suffering and a sense of being victimized by life. In other words, we live devoid of creativity and pleasure.

As a good example of the observer, let’s look at a moose walking through a forest, just going along its merry way. Then, suddenly, a big tree falls right in front of her. The moose looks at the tree, lifts her nose to smell it, then nibbles on the tree’s twigs and leaves. As she eats, rain starts to fall. The moose raises her head, enjoying and tasting the drops that fall on her face. When she’s had her fill she simply finds her way around the fallen tree and continues on her journey.

Now say a human is walking through the forest when suddenly a big tree falls right in front of him. He’ll look angrily at the tree, cursing and huffing: “Now I’m going to be late for my meeting. And what about my wife and children and my retirement fund? I have to make a bridge to get where I need to go! What? It’s raining too?” Throwing his hands up in despair and disgust, he’ll exclaim, “Why me, God? Why me?”

Becoming like the moose allows us to be in the present moment, witness what is, notice how we feel, and watch the chatter, thoughts, and interpretations in our minds. As humans we are programmed to dwell on the drama that’s already passed instead of focusing on the present. Instead of getting caught up in this chatter of our minds, we can cultivate our capacity to be like the moose — simply to be with what is happening right here and now. In this witness or observer state we are connected with ourselves and tap in to stillness and peace — and that’s the space where we can become sexually intelligent.

In our next article we will discuss how to get “sexually intelligent.”

Over the past decade, Dr. Elsbeth Meuth has assisted thousands of couples and singles expand their relationship and deepen their intimate connection. She is an internationally renowned workshop leader, relationship and intimacy coach and a certified Tantra Yoga teachers. Since founding the TantraNova Institute in Chicago, IL, in 2001 she has produced with her partner Freddy Zental the bestselling DVD series “Creating Intimacy & Love” and was featured on Showtime’s documentary series “Sexual Healing” and the Emmy Award Winning NBC show “Starting Over”.

They are the co-authors of the forthcoming book “Sexual Intelligence: The Rosetta Stone of the Twenty-First Century”. They are are the authors of the forthcoming book “Sexual Intelligence: The Rosetta Stone of the Twenty-First Century”.

TantraNova’s breakthrough technology in sexual intelligence recognizes the systemic relationship between life force or sexual energy, creativity and pleasure allowing for flow, joy and fulfillment in all areas of life! While other forms of intelligence such as IQ, emotional intelligence, kinesthetic intelligence, have been researched and evolved over the past few decades, sexual intelligence is not commonly known and understood.